Thursday, March 24, 2011

Confession.

Days like today, I feel like a bad mom. I know I'm not (most of the time, but sometimes I am, let's face it...). I feel a lot of guilt. I love my kids EQUALLY and more than I think even I can comprehend. HOWEVER, I don't always LIKE them the same. 


I feel really guilty for that. REALLY, really guilty.


 Liking Trevor comes so easy 99% of the time. He is so sweet and most of the time obedient, which is pretty awesome for a 14 month old! He is stubborn as heck too though... and he definitely has his moments, but he is so so so much easier than Bailey.
She has been difficult from conception. Seriously, my pregnancy was miserable, birth experience was traumatic, post partum- I went nuts... I'm not kidding... I was CRAZY.  She was a very colicky baby and had pretty bad acid reflux (which her doctors wouldn't treat... we switched). She screamed all day long. It was exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically. I still wonder how we survived. (literally)There was a period from 18 months to 2 years that I remember being super easy (relatively) and fun! She is such a sweet girl. Really, she has a huge heart and WANTS to be good. 


I knew for a while something wasn't right. I assumed it was ADHD, especially with her/our family history of it. So I started asking the doctor last year and then was lazy and never took her to get evaluated, half out of fear and half- lazy. 


I got desperate. Really desperate. Like I wanted to run away screaming and pulling my hair out... and cried constantly because I just did not like my child. I loved her, but I had to work really hard to like her. Did I mention, I am not the most patient mother ever. I try and have made progress, but there is still much to be desired. 


Finally, I made the appointment. We did two evaluations. One with an Occupational Therapist and one with a Behavior Modification/Social Worker type therapist. 


Basically, Bailey (though they can't officially diagnose yet) has ADHD/ADD (potentially), and Sensory Integration problems with modulation and a couple of other areas I can't specifically remember at the time. We have made LEAPS AND BOUNDS since going to both therapies. Somedays (today), are not so good, and she is entitled, heaven knows I have PLENTY of those days. Some of her behaviors specifically drive me to insanity. 
She has little to no spacial awareness. Meaning no idea of personal space or to move carefully around other people.  (Today within 10 minutes Trevor got elbowed, kicked and head-butted, no lie.)
She doesn't understand the concept of danger or using caution. At 4 years old she still runs into the road 80% of the time, completely unaware that cars will crush her like a bug. It scares THE HELL out of me. 


Because of the above two she is always getting hurt and bruised not thinking before she acts. Her attention is really hard to focus. She seeks out that extra pressure by hanging on things and always chewing on crap and it's destructive behavior but she doesn't even have a clue. THAT'S why I feel guilty. IT'S NOT all HER FAULT.... most of the time. Anyway, I could go on listing all the things that are a result of her sensory processing... but you get the point. 


Then sometimes she is just stubborn and spiteful and does it to piss me off. She gets that honest, I really shouldn't blame her for it. 


ok. so I didn't realize she had devil eyes(red) in this when I picked it... but hey, if the shoe fits....


I feel bad having to constantly get on to her, especially when she gets to see me spend nicer/better quality time with Trevor.  We do give a lot of positive reinforcement, and the only reason I know that is because I get positive reinforcement from her, she is very complimentary. 


Sometimes I want to scream USE YOUR BRAIN!? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!!?!?!?!!! Because she literally does not stop to think before she acts and it's SO frustrating. 


ANYWAY. So you see my point. I love her truly, deeply, madly. Definitely madly


*wink, wink* 


 I find it hard to like her sometimes, though. It's been a tough journey, worth it, but tough. 
We turned our backs for a second, and somehow she managed this... we were visiting Gigi in the hospital after her knee replacement.


On the other hand, let me toot her horn for her. She is one of the most polite kids I know, and I'm pretty darn proud of that. She has a HUGE heart and knows no strangers (also scares the hell out of me). She will talk to anyone and everyone and throws compliments left and right. She is hilarious. She WANTS to please and to be good, I think most kids do, and most adults for that matter. She is pretty mature and very very smart... she shocks me on a regular basis. 




So on days like today- I have to go back through old pictures to remind myself just how much I really do love AND like her. It seems like so long ago. It wasn't. She's only four. It seems like SO much longer and I have a hard time remembering. I feel bad about that too. 
Because she is fearless, she can do cool stuff like this, that others might not have the guts for. 

Am I alone in this or do you sometimes have a hard time liking your kid/s?! Share if you dare.

4 comments:

  1. Such a sweetheart--I remember her from Tumbles. Always smiling, always having fun. I totally understand the guilt thing, because I think all moms feel that way sometimes! And I'm sure you've read about the times with Rollie where I yell, cry and think I'm losing my mind. You are not alone, Kylee! Glad the therapy is helping. Keep us posted, and don't give up, girl--You are a loving, compassionate mom who wants the best for her kids--that makes you a great mom, period.

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  2. Kylee I find you very BRAVE for posting your story HONESTLY. I want you to know that I do not always "like" my boys either but Love them deeply same as you. The very best thing we can all do is to be honest with ourselves and I praise you for that Kylee. I will keep Bailey and her whole family in my prayers.
    God Bless,
    Mandi Harris Futch

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  3. Almost as soon as Jamie was born I started apologizing to him for my impatience and frustration. I have to work on it nearly every day. There are thoughts or phrases I have to rehearse to myself each time I start to feel myself get frustrated. Nursing has been hard. Sleeping has been difficult (not as hard as nursing, though). In reality, I'm sure what I experience are very normal things. I think Jamie is a very typical baby. It's me who's brought all this baggage to the relationship : ) Thank goodness for God, supportive friends, family, and, most importantly, husbands!

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  4. Oooh girl, yeah, you are NOT alone. Even now that my 'kiddos' are basically 18, 14, and 12....there are days and even weeks, and in one of their cases, a year where I didn't like them hardly at all! I always, loved them, just like you do....but yeah, the like thing is another ball of wax. I can't help but think, dang it, that Heavenly Father must feel the same way. We are HIS children, and He always loves us, stands ready to forgive us ('But my hand is stretched out still') but you gotta think it must be pretty rough trying to like all of us who screw up and do dumb things even though we know better, or keep NOT obeying. The lines "Do you think I repeat myself for my health?? I told you to.....and if you want to....then you better.....RIGHT NOW", and the like--I think Isaiah was requoting the Lord quite eloquently. I just need to remember the one "Judge not, that ye be not judged." !

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