Saturday, June 25, 2011

Guilty.


 My heart is sad.  For the past two years I’ve either been knocked up or had a newborn.  This means that my oldest went from adored with more attention and doting than she could possibly ever need in an entire lifetime to borderline neglect. I say this because it’s half true. I mean she had clothes, food and some minimal attention from me during the long exhausting days of pregnancy in which I would plop her in front of the TV and pass in and out on the couch long enough to get up and get her a snack or lunch. Then take a nap and repeat the morning. Then Trevor came and all she was ever told to do is “be quiet the baby is sleeping” or most often “Bailey, SHUT UP! You can’t be so loud! Trevor is sleeping”.  If we are being honest, those are the nice things yelled at her.  
   Don’t judge me, most of you have been pregnant and know how much it takes out of you. I’m a terrible mom when I’m pregnant. Knowing is half the battle.  When she needed something she would get “mommy can’t right now, I’ll get it for you {or read you that story, etc.} as soon as I’m done with the baby.” She went from priority number one to the back burner, the bench sitter. She adjusted fairly quickly with Trevor. Then I got knocked up AGAIN, when Trev was 6 months old. Yes, of COURSE I know how it happens. DUH. My husband looked at me too long and POOF! Baby number three. So here marked the onset of about 4-5 months of depression because I DID NOT want to be pregnant again. So I’m exhausted because I have a baby who isn’t sleeping through the night, a toddler that’s exhausting to watch, and a fetus that’s sucking the life out of me. Bailey accepted her benchwarmer position pretty gracefully. 
     So I assumed, like an idiot that she would have no problem or very little problems adjusting to Callen. My poor girl has been an emotional mess for the past week. She has been screamed at, timed out, and spanked more than enough. I have to be consistent when she behaves badly (minus the screaming), but at what point do you cut the kid a break because she is experiencing a huge life transition. Especially, when you know she is doing it because she is DESPERATE for your attention and all you keep doing is the baby, and trevor. So I “let” her go to my mom’s Friday and Saturday night thinking it would give us both a break from each other and she would get lots of sensory input and one on one attention from Gramma and Poppi.  I called tonight to check on her and asked if she was being OK, and my mom surprised me and said “Um, actually, I can say that she isn’t. Then she proceeded to tell me about several meltdowns she’s had over meaningless things. {She’s been doing that A LOT, lately}.
    I feel like the biggest jerk of a mother ever.  It makes me sob inside. Ok,  It makes me sob, period. She puts up with so much and has such a huge and forgiving heart. I can’t even prioritize accordingly to make sure she is feeling loved and appreciated and that her needs are being met, because I’m so concerned with the other two and so the stupid TV comes on {I hate TV for the most part} because she wants to watch it and I know it will entertain her and another day goes by without her receiving the love and attention she needs.

We used to snuggle and hug and give loves and kisses.

 We used to paint our toes.

We used to go for walks and jogs and to the pool. 

We used to go to the Zoo, A LOT. 

We used to wrestle and play. 

 I don’t tell you this because I need words of encouragement or to get sympathy, because heaven knows I’m not really deserving of either. I tell you so that I can be made accountable and stop being a slacker.  I get that I can only do so much and since she is older she understands better than Trevor. I get that in the long run it probably won't prevent her from being an emotionally functional person. It doesn't make it easy and it doesn't make it right. I could do more. I SHOULD do more. I joke that Jesus forgives you of anything when you're pregnant. He doesn't.  I'm going to have to account for my poor behavior one day and I'm sure I'll be sobbing hysterically when the guilt hits me AGAIN. Just another reason I'm incredibly and eternally grateful for my Saviour, Jesus Christ and his sacrifice. 
SO. I’ve been looking up fun, easy and quick ideas for crafts so that when the babies are napping Bailey and I can do something productive and have some quality time together. It would be good for both of us. 

The End. The Beginning.

3 comments:

  1. Awesome post, Kylee. Awesome honesty. We should all be so straightforward about our parenting, or lack thereof, that our children are receiving every day, every minute. We can't be perfect, but we can all be more perfect and give those little babies of ours more of what they need and stop being as selfish as we sometimes can be. Thank you for this eye-opening post. I'm going to be a better Mommy because of it, and I know you will, too. Way to be. Lots of love to that sweet Bailey girl.

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  2. Seriously! Make a grown girl cry, not only was this too sweet, I lost it when I saw the toes! I hope to do half as good when baby 2 or 3 arrives.

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  3. Barbs-I wish I could be more like you. That's my goal.

    Mrsem- I hope you do MUCH better, and I'm sure you will! I've been a massive slacker. There's no excuse for it.

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