Saturday, October 8, 2011

Things you should know before you get knocked up....

1. Your lady parts will NEVER be the same again {without a lil' sumthin' done, for a not so lil' sumthin' price}

2. Kids will suck the life right out of you and you'll find yourself going to bed at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday night.

3.  Buy your retirement stock in Pampers, Tyson and Kraft.

4. Your going to be a single parent if you and or your husband is going to be working full time and going to school.

5. Your kids will drive you to the brink of insanity, regularly.

6. Sometimes you'll find yourself bawling WITH them.

7. Your going to need timeouts too.

8. Set your expectations A LOT lower for yourself, and a little higher for your kids, they are smart and manipulative by nature and will get away with a lot more if you don't know any better.

9. You're darned if you do and darned it you don't, so make an INFORMED decision and stick with it. Say screw it to whoever has an opinion on it. My kids, my choice. {IE- being a working mom, or a SAHM- you get looks and reactions either way, same goes for breast feeding/formula feeding, circumcision or not, to immunize or not to}.

10. You WILL be that mom screaming at her kid in Walmart one day. Don't judge her till you've walked in her shoes.

11. All pediatricians are NOT created equal. Find one that aligns with your views and works WITH you.

12. Grow some balls and be open with people. If you can't communicate like an adult, don't expect to be treated like one.  {I'm a hypocrite sometimes on this one...}

13. You will be puked on, pooped on, spit on, drooled on, scratched, kicked, hit, hair pulled, eyes gauged... you name it.

14. Don't bother wearing jewelry until your kids are older. Particularly, necklaces, earrings or bracelets. They will be ripped off of your body... and not in the good way.

15. Flashing people in public will become common place. Especially when your wearing a skirt/dress or slinky/baggy top... kids like to pull that stuff off of ya.... modesty will be a thing of the past.

16. Your desire for hot, lovely, relations will decrease. It will have nothing to do with your love or attraction to the man in your life, but is because you will be clobbered and touched and your personal space will cease to exist ALL day and you will merely want to be left alone.

17. It will be a long time before you sleep uninterrupted again.

18. PROJECTILE VOMITING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS SPITTING UP. When you pack a change of clothes for the baby, pack one for you too. Trust me.

19. You will receive more unsolicited advice than you've ever dreamed of. Some of it will be useful. Most of it will be from people who don't even have kids or from strangers. Just smile, say thank you, and ignore them. They mean well, and there isn't much you can do about it.

20. Kids don't have a filter. You will be embarrassed publicly, regularly. Laugh it off and be careful what you say and let them watch. Otherwise, you'll be in situations like this:
  { A large woman is on an aisle in Walmart, your daughter who has 1 volume -LOUD- says to you "Mommy, is she fat?"}

 {In line at Home Depot your darling daughter says to the black woman in front of you "Why is your skin brown and mine is fawn?"}

FAWN, REALLY? Where the freak did that come from? That just makes us look like racists... and we're not.

You are now equipped with the important stuff. Go make babies... or have fun trying! I'll post more as I think of them.

1 comment:

  1. Fawn, gotta love it! She'll keep you on your toes for sure.