Saturday, June 25, 2011

Guilty.


 My heart is sad.  For the past two years I’ve either been knocked up or had a newborn.  This means that my oldest went from adored with more attention and doting than she could possibly ever need in an entire lifetime to borderline neglect. I say this because it’s half true. I mean she had clothes, food and some minimal attention from me during the long exhausting days of pregnancy in which I would plop her in front of the TV and pass in and out on the couch long enough to get up and get her a snack or lunch. Then take a nap and repeat the morning. Then Trevor came and all she was ever told to do is “be quiet the baby is sleeping” or most often “Bailey, SHUT UP! You can’t be so loud! Trevor is sleeping”.  If we are being honest, those are the nice things yelled at her.  
   Don’t judge me, most of you have been pregnant and know how much it takes out of you. I’m a terrible mom when I’m pregnant. Knowing is half the battle.  When she needed something she would get “mommy can’t right now, I’ll get it for you {or read you that story, etc.} as soon as I’m done with the baby.” She went from priority number one to the back burner, the bench sitter. She adjusted fairly quickly with Trevor. Then I got knocked up AGAIN, when Trev was 6 months old. Yes, of COURSE I know how it happens. DUH. My husband looked at me too long and POOF! Baby number three. So here marked the onset of about 4-5 months of depression because I DID NOT want to be pregnant again. So I’m exhausted because I have a baby who isn’t sleeping through the night, a toddler that’s exhausting to watch, and a fetus that’s sucking the life out of me. Bailey accepted her benchwarmer position pretty gracefully. 
     So I assumed, like an idiot that she would have no problem or very little problems adjusting to Callen. My poor girl has been an emotional mess for the past week. She has been screamed at, timed out, and spanked more than enough. I have to be consistent when she behaves badly (minus the screaming), but at what point do you cut the kid a break because she is experiencing a huge life transition. Especially, when you know she is doing it because she is DESPERATE for your attention and all you keep doing is the baby, and trevor. So I “let” her go to my mom’s Friday and Saturday night thinking it would give us both a break from each other and she would get lots of sensory input and one on one attention from Gramma and Poppi.  I called tonight to check on her and asked if she was being OK, and my mom surprised me and said “Um, actually, I can say that she isn’t. Then she proceeded to tell me about several meltdowns she’s had over meaningless things. {She’s been doing that A LOT, lately}.
    I feel like the biggest jerk of a mother ever.  It makes me sob inside. Ok,  It makes me sob, period. She puts up with so much and has such a huge and forgiving heart. I can’t even prioritize accordingly to make sure she is feeling loved and appreciated and that her needs are being met, because I’m so concerned with the other two and so the stupid TV comes on {I hate TV for the most part} because she wants to watch it and I know it will entertain her and another day goes by without her receiving the love and attention she needs.

We used to snuggle and hug and give loves and kisses.

 We used to paint our toes.

We used to go for walks and jogs and to the pool. 

We used to go to the Zoo, A LOT. 

We used to wrestle and play. 

 I don’t tell you this because I need words of encouragement or to get sympathy, because heaven knows I’m not really deserving of either. I tell you so that I can be made accountable and stop being a slacker.  I get that I can only do so much and since she is older she understands better than Trevor. I get that in the long run it probably won't prevent her from being an emotionally functional person. It doesn't make it easy and it doesn't make it right. I could do more. I SHOULD do more. I joke that Jesus forgives you of anything when you're pregnant. He doesn't.  I'm going to have to account for my poor behavior one day and I'm sure I'll be sobbing hysterically when the guilt hits me AGAIN. Just another reason I'm incredibly and eternally grateful for my Saviour, Jesus Christ and his sacrifice. 
SO. I’ve been looking up fun, easy and quick ideas for crafts so that when the babies are napping Bailey and I can do something productive and have some quality time together. It would be good for both of us. 

The End. The Beginning.

Friday, June 24, 2011

"The Bread"

Um. Because I'm a fat girl, and because I have an excuse right now. And because I FINALLY got one quiet minute with sleeping children and of course have to browse Pioneer Woman's cooking section because I'm hungry and bored... I'm pretty sure we are having this bread with dinner. If My fat hiney can wait that long. I'm salivating over here, despite the Oreo Klondike bar I just devoured.

I'm pretty sure my body is trying to self medicate with carbs right now. Because it's ALL I want, 24/7. Oh wait. That's normal for me.

Well, whatever. Let's just go with I'm chunky so I might as well before week 6 hits and I have to cut them down to get back into my clothes!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Building Blocks

The other day I was fixing dinner and Jeffrey took the kids for a quick walk to the mail box. Bailey came back with a small package for me. I was surprised. I hadn't ordered anything recently, so I let her open it for me. It was THIS ridiculously awesome and cute wooden building block.



 Customized with his initials on three sides and birth specs. on the other three! HOW FLIPPING COOL!!! I stinking LOVE this little building block. It was from Jeffrey's parents. What a sweet, thoughtful, original gift. I smile every time I look at it. The company is called Woodgroove. Check 'em out!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Self- Exploration: Confidence

"It's not who you are that holds you back. It's who you think you're not" - Author Unknown

The older I've gotten the more I contemplate what makes us each successful, well developed individuals. I think one of the main keys to personal development is CONFIDENCE.

The thing that makes it so tough is that we aren't always confident all the time. Additionally, {I'm using those grade school transitions they drilled into my brain all the way through college, ya like it?}

Crap. Where was I?

Oh. Additionally.

Additionally, we can be confident in some areas and not in others, and in fact, those areas change.  We may be internally confident with who we are or our performance in a certain area or with our talent but may doubt others confidence in us or opinions of us.

For example {there's another one}, I grew up singing.  I'm comfortable saying there is some raw ability or talent there. Of course, I chose to develop that talent. My voice is something that I was very confident with when singing alone and no lie, I could rock some socks off {not anymore though, I kind of let it go by the wayside and I most definitely regret that}. In public or around people (even my closest friends) my confidence evaded me and I never could perform as well as I did by myself. In fact, my lack of confidence around others hindered my progression.

I auditioned for the school musical all four years. I got parts, but never a lead until my senior year in high school. That also happens to be the year that I said "SCREW THEM, I'm doing this for myself." I got one of the lead roles. When I did what I knew I could do and didn't worry about what they thought. I just went for it. It paid off.

I had a lot of self esteem and confidence issues growing up. That may come as a shocker. Believe me, it's true. In fact, the majority of my confidence in myself has come in the last 4-5 years. Sad, I know.

I reflect back on all the things I know I could have done so much better had I only believed in myself a little more. If I had only stopped comparing myself to other people and yet at the same time realized that most of the time we all  are better at something than someone else, and equally true, there is always someone who is better at it than us. The key, I think, is to use that knowledge and DEVELOP the talent, personality trait or what not that we want and then practice and use it to maintain our confidence and ability.

When we worry about what others may think of us it lessens our confidence in ourselves in all aspects. Doubt settles in. Whether it be standing up for our beliefs, pursuing or publicly displaying a talent, our appearance or anything else you can think of.

{Keep in mind I'm a total hypocrite. There are aspects in my life that I think entirely too much of what other people think. I'm workin' on it...}

There are always others that can benefit from our knowledge and always other people from whom we can benefit. If we all hold ourselves back because we lack the confidence to take the leap, than we would all be mediocre.

What gives me the confidence to keep pushing through and discovering new talents and developing them?

Answer: The knowledge that I am a child of God. Heavenly Father does not do mediocre. We are all endowed with talents and infinite worth in his eyes. It makes me sad to see when people don't realize how incredibly special they really are and as a result don't reach their full potential. Or worse, don't even try to reach their potential.

My Papa used to always tell me "Remember who you are", every time I left the house to go somewhere. I never realized what he meant so I always replied with a smirk "Kylee Suzanne Newton". He'd rebut with "You know what I mean"... but I didn't. Until one random day it hit me. I don't even remember when, I just remember thinking how dense I had been, not to realize the obvious.

So. Remember who you are; A child of God. Have confidence in yourself, and if you don't, work towards gaining that confidence. It makes for happier people and allows us to share in each others talents and learn and grow from each other. Isn't that why we're here anyway!

Just some things I've been thinking about recently.

One more quote I like "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The End.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The New Kid on The Block.

You already know my other two little monsters. Meet the newest, while he is still sweet and cuddly! I delivered him at 2:21 a.m Wednesday, June 8, 2011 via water birth at the Fruitful Vine Birthing Center. My labor was 5.5 hours from start to finish and the WORST {and I do mean WORST} part EVER was only about 20 minutes, and then I had my sweet little boy in my arms and now I am not pregnant anymore! Woooooooooo Hooooooooo!

Meet Callen Eric Shaw. 8 lbs. 13 oz., 21.5 inches long, 14.75 inch head circumference (YES, THAT'S RIGHT!). We all love him to pieces!



MMMMmmm. Couldn't you just eat his scrunchy sweet little face right up! I do. We make out, regularly. Well, I make out with him. His cheeks, his neck, his cute little baby feet. Mmm. So much baby goodness. I love the smell of new babies! Their breath especially, it's so sweet and non raunchy like the older kids :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Two Syllables

Forenote: Trevor is starting to fall behind on his speech. He is lazy too. I was told to get him evaluated by a speech therapist months ago by the pediatrician and I've just had to much going on. So what he does is with a closed mouth says "hm hmm" for any two syllable phrase he is supposed to or wants to say {ie. thank you, love you, yes, ma'am, etc.}

I've learned that I actually enjoy getting up with my babies at night {aside from losing sleep}. I think it's because I've come to realize how fleeting these tiny little years are and I will take ALL the snuggles and loves they are willing to give while half asleep or wide awake, or what have you. To the point that I have to force myself to go back to bed so that they don't develop bad sleeping habits on my account. Let's be honest, I love my sleep, too. I'm quite a monster without it.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and remind my self how small these sweet kids really are. So often, I find myself looking at them and thinking how flipping big they are getting so fast. Especially when my babyzilla is sprawled across my fat prego belly and is almost as big as I am. Then I start rubbing his arm and realize how tiny he really is, especially with my huge man hand rubbing that tiny arm.

Then he starts rubbing my arm, and my heart melts like candy in the rain!
LOVE. THESE. KIDS.

As I put him back in his crib and tell him "We both have to go back to sleep now, I love you." He simply hums, or whatever you want to call it,
"hm hmm". I'm a goner. It's all over. I WANT to scoop him back up and snuggle until it's time to get up, because let's face it... I'm WIDE awake now. I have been for an hour. Ok. two hours.

It's these small tiny moments that make EVERYTHING worth it. That give me more joy and contentment and self worth than anything else. That make me so eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for entrusting these OH, so sweet spirits into my often lousy, but sometimes adequate, impatient, exhausted care.

These are the moments I treasure and wish would never end and grasp at like a lifeline trying SO hard to engrain them into my memory, so I never forget. They feed my soul.

The end.

P.S. I just can't get enough of these faces.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Going Green!

I have a problem. OKAY- I have lots of problems.

 A few years ago a good friend of mine, Wendy (who is an interior decorator) educated me on a little store called HomeGoods. I'm pretty sure this is my favorite store.


Aside from PUBLIX, of course. Yes, the grocery store. It IS indeed a pleasure to shop there!


HomeGoods is tied or maybe a REALLLY close second.

Anyhow, I popped in after my Acupuncture appointment {to help get labor started hopefully} and lunch date with the hubster to grab a piggy bank for Callen's room that I found a couple weeks ago and was too stupid to get at the time. WELL, they didn't have it anymore, and I knew better when I passed it up, than to risk coming back for it, but I'm super bummed, and super stupid.

ANYWAY, so as I'm perusing the store I was looking at clearanced bed linens, because I've been wanting a new duvet cover or comforter or something, we've had the same dark solid colored one since we were married and it matches nothing. So I'm perusing and BAM!


Duvet cover- $10.00. YES. TEN DOLLARS!!! That's a ONE and a ZERO!! CRAZY!

"Seriously? Is this a joke?vWhat on earth could be wrong with it?" I think to myself. So I grab one, I'm not stupid enough to make that mistake again (today, anyway).

Then I go to peruse the lamps. They have great lamps at fairly affordable prices. Much more affordable than other places.


I got this one a few weeks ago because I loved it and it was only $24.99. I figured I would find a duvet cover that would go... and I did. It's a Kate Spade at Bed Bath and Beyond- The comforter alone was $150.00. YEAH. Definitely a no-go.  So I think this lamp is going into the kids room. (I've realized the color GREEN has infiltrated every room in my house!)

One of the reasons I love  {or hate right now, because of the piggy bank incident} HomeGoods so much is that they are always changing out merchandise, so you are almost guaranteed that no one else is going to have the same stuff as you do... I love originality, so this works for me.... until someone I know has something I love and it's no longer available, of course.

Side tracked, again. Sorry. LAMPS. I found one and the lamp shade is the perfect shade of green to match the duvet cover. $30 for the lamp. That is PRETTY dang good.


So for the first time ever, my bedroom is off to becoming a matched and coordinated room that I ENJOY looking at and being in. FOR $40.00. Seriously.... That's how rock star aweSosome HomeGoods is.

In fact, I went back tonight after the kids were in bed and bought a second duvet cover, just to have the extra fabric and make matching pillow cases, or a bed skirt or something. FOR $10, you can't get that much fabric. I will find a use for it! It makes me happy to walk in my room and see something bright and cheery instead of the old dull comforter. YAY.

So GO. to HomeGoods. NOW! Please use caution as it's highly addictive to decorate your house for cheap and recognize needs and wants.

Ok. I'm over my rant. Thanks for tuning in!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Cheesecake & Pasta

I know I've ranted and raved about this before, and I'm going to do it again. One of my FAVORITE meals is Pasta with Pancetta and Leeks on The Pioneer Woman's site. LOVE her. LOOOOOVE this dish. I can't even tell you how much I love this dish. It's also really easy to make! The flavors are perfectly divided and OH, MY. My mouth is watering. I have been wanting this for a few weeks, but have been too lazy to fix it. In fact, I was going to make it tonight, but once again was too lazy to get to the store. So tomorrow.... we are feasting!

Then there is dessert. This one is mostly for me. Jeffrey isn't a huge cheesecake fan. I on the other hand, FLIPPING LOVE IT.  I attempted making one from Bakerella's Recipe for my stepdad's birthday last year. Mostly because I was 8 days overdue with Trevor (sound familiar) and craving cheesecake. I went into labor that night and what was it I had my mom bring to me the next day? A BIG, FAT, peice of cheesecake!! It was DIVINE. I was so shocked that it turned out, and was AMAZING. So this is the recipe I use. Cheescake really isn't that hard to make, it turns out, I recommend trying it!  I AM!