Thursday, May 17, 2012

Who is she?

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder who the freak is looking back at you? OR Look at a picture of yourself and think it's misrepresenting you?

I do that A LOT. Like, "ALOT ALOT" {name that movie... it's an oldie, but oh, such a goodie}.

When I look at this picture, it makes me seem so laid back {well, I've got that part down, four kids didn't come from sitting up with your legs crossed...} put together and happy.

{Most of that is because Wendy Updegraff is freaking awesome.}

Not that I'm not happy... I am, but I'm definitely not put together. I feel like my life is one big ball of anxiety and chaos and I'm grasping to make sense of it all, and to keep it organized in my head so that I can process it.

Some days, I can actually be that cool, collected, normal person who is patient and calm with her kids. That's not the norm, though. It give me something to reach for and work toward.

For instance, I pictured myself being the SAHM who is patient, well rounded, and puts forth the effort needed to do enriching activities with her kids { like sit and do crafts with the kids and simultaneously keep the house clean, have dinner made, regularly, teach them lessons on ABC's, handwriting, numbers, etc. I guess, kind of like the 50's era women, but modernized.

The reality of it is, that motherhood is SO much harder than it was going to be in my head. I honestly don't think that everyone has plenty of days like I just described. For me they are 1-2 a week, if I'm lucky. In fact, today was one of those days. Instead of getting annoyed because the kids are exhausted and bored. We made play doh, and while the task was daunting in my head... it was simple and quick and entertained them while we waited for daddy to get home and while I got dinner in the oven. Rare, I'm telling you.

Days like today, I feel like I've succeeded for the most part. Most days, I just feel awful all around. Like, I don't recognize myself, because the reality of my behavior doesn't match up to what I should be in my head. I know that's destructive in some ways and productive in others, but let's face it, I'm pretty sure we all do it at some point.

Anyways, that all. Do you recognize yourself? Do you feel like you don't know who you are sometimes? Or am I just psychotic? It's okay, I can take the truth... I promise.


  1. Kylee...hunny.

    It's funny that you should post this today because I've been thinking a LOT lately about how far you've come from the scatter brained crazy lady that I met (and loved anyway!)4 years ago! You are about to be the mom of 4 youngins and if ANYONE thinks that comes witout some craziness then they're, well, crazy! Love you, sweetie!

  2. I am catching up on your blog tonight. You are seriously so funny. Your words are poignant. I had the conversation today with some old HS girlfriends and one said that if she knew how difficult Motherhood, she probably would have opted out of the whole mess. I think we all feel that way at some point or another. But what I have learned is that we all have talents in different arenas. Particularly in the arena of Motherhood. YOU are exactly what your children need. And also, your CHILDREN are exactly what YOU need. Ever thought of it that way? I loved that thought.
    Yes, its crazy and some days are wonderful and put together. Just remember that through it all, you can do hard things.
    I admire your spunk, your creative genius and your humor. People are watching- keep it up! :)