Friday, May 24, 2013

"I don't know how you do it..."

Heh! SUCKAS! There is no secret. I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I hear that A LOT. The answer... I just do what I have to, to get through... and then I look back and wonder how I did it! The same way a lot of people do.

Comparison... it's a killer. It kills my self-esteem regularly. I'm betting it kills yours too. Well, STOP. Let me be the voice of reason. 

Here is the thing, we do it because we have to. When you're faced with a situation, you can either curl up in the fetal position like a crack head in withdrawal, walk away, or keep on keepin' on.

Quiting isn't in me. 

And while I'm flattered that people seem to think I'm capable and handle my little brood, rather well, they see a quick glimpse of what really goes on. 

They FAIL to see the many, many, moments of Crazy and the constant effort to control my very hormonal and out of control emotions. They fail to see the ridiculous way that I often LOSE that control and yell and scream at my kids because they just "won't shut the freak up". I'm not even going to pretend that they never get cussed at... they do. I'm MOST CERTAINLY NOT proud of it. I don't like it. I beat myself up over it all day long. They don't deliberately make my life miserable in those awful parts of the day.... well, sometimes they do... very purposely misbehave and do the complete opposite of what I say or ask... over and over and over.

 They are just kids... it's my job to teach them how to control themselves.. and ya know what? I realized the a little while back... that they act JUST like me. 

For example, the other day Jeffrey did something {I don't remember what, that's how unimportant and petty it was} but it made me SO MAD. To avoid screaming at him and in front of the kids I stormed into my bedroom, closed the door and unleashed whatever thoughts were in my head and needed out, out into my bedroom. 

Just an hour before, Bailey was upset about something, and would not calm down. I sent her to her room. She stormed into her room, slammed the door, and continued to scream out a monologue of frustration. 

BIG FREAKING SHOCKER. I'm clearly lacking in the example department. Why it took me so long to figure out why they can't just act like normal kids... well, I can be dense sometimes. 

It is humbling, and makes me appreciate Jesus Christ and his immense sacrifice and atonement for my sins and shortcomings. That I can continually start new and repent and try harder every day to NOT be THAT mom... you know the white trash mom in the grocery store, that you wonder why she is being so harsh on her out of control kids.

I have my white trash moments regularly. Though, I have just as many moments that I impress myself and enable me to keep going. 

One of the tender mercies of parenting is the nature of children. They are loving, teachable, forgiving, and resilient. No wonder we are told in the scriptures to become as little children. 

I'm not sure what this rant is about any more. But all of you moms that think you can't do it, or couldn't handle it... yes, yes, you can. It make take time to get it right... and we all like to put on a facade, don't we. Stop comparing yourself. I saw a meme the other day that said: 

"The reason we struggle with insecurity, is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
   - Steve Furtick

So just stop it. It is what it is, and all you can do is try harder to be a little better. Stop comparing and have confidence in yourself and that Heavenly Father knows your abilities and potential. He typically has much better things in store for us than we would ever imagine for ourselves and he's always there waiting for us to ask for help. 

I'm not sure this even makes sense anymore... it's aaallllllll over the place. I'm a squirrel. Bailey gets that honestly, as well.

There. My rant for the month. Thanks for tuning in.